Hello fair readers!
Have you heard of Oh My Rockness?
No? Because you should…because it is *awesome* I wish I could remember who but someone on Twitter led me to this fabulous site (whoever you are THANK YOU!)
While the website itself is useful, the best part about the whole affair are their weekly show list emails. (which you can sign up for right at the top of the screen) They basically just email out updates on who is coming to town, when and where you can buy tickets.
Now I never have to flip out when I realize Sleigh Bells is coming to town again! Plus their email newsletters are hilarious. At the beginning of each email is a little essay of sorts. And they are generally some of the funniest reading I get to do all week.
To illustrate this point, here is what they sent out last:
8 Show Tips For The Casual Concert Fan Wanting To Pass As A Show Pro This Summer
- If any band says, “How you all doing out there?!” from the stage, don’t clap and go “Wooo!” or, GASP, “Woo-hoo!” That’s for amateurs. The show pros respond with, “You tell me! The dishwasher just broke! Charles never shows me affection anymore! And just this morning I walked in on our cocker spaniel French kissing some tramp in-between bites of linguine! Maybe it was angel hair, I don’t know!”
- Be sure to wear sunscreen at all those free, sweaty outdoor shows. That way, when it inevitably drips into your eyes and begins to burn, all the hot stuffs standing near you will think you’re oh so super sensitive because you cry at rock shows. “There’s just *sniff sniff* something about a G chord….”
- Show pros are highly fashionable people. So if you don’t attend all shows this summer in your underwear and fuzzy ear muffs, prepare to be quietly judged.
- Drink lots and lots of water before going to outdoor shows; you’ll want to use those refined port-o-potties over and over and over again. All come equipped with coconut hand soap, lavender scented towels, and toilet seats heated to a comfortable 70 degrees. And they even fill the basin with chocolate milk! Gosh, we could squat in there forever.
- Don’t bring lots of money to shows! Bring barely any money! The food and drinks at shows (especially the drinks!) are so super, super cheap! They’re practically giving the stuff away!
- Don’t forget your earplugs. And then don’t forget your Cracker Jacks. Have you ever eaten Cracker Jacks with earplugs in? Oh man, the bass in each CRUNCH CRUNCH CRUNCH will destroy you! Now THAT’S rock ‘n roll, bro.
- If you see a beach ball flying in your direction, don’t casually bop it towards the fan on your left. Act like a show pro and attempt a beach ball bicycle kick. And if successful, shout, “GGGGGGGGOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLL!”
- In between sets while the bands set up their gear, talk to your show pro neighbors about how funny that duck is in those AFLAC commercials. Show pros love those commercials and can talk about how funny they are forever. “So there’s this talking duck, right? And it wants you to buy this insurance, right?”
LOVE! It’s hilarious because it’s true! (my favorite part is about wearing your underwear and ear muffs to shows….because I’m pretty sure I’ve seen someone actually do that)
So if you live in New York, Chicago or LA, get thee on the Oh My Rockness emailing list! You won’t regret it.
Have a lovely weekend fair readers.